Why the name change?

Last fall I shared my story for the first time on our local NBC affiliate and although the response was amazing, I have to admit committing to actually doing the interview after having sought it out, was very scary. When the actual date to film was scheduled, I doubted whether I should actually do it.

I talked about my thoughts and feelings with a good friend. She too is married and a mom of young kids. She said something that after many months has stuck with me. She said “Annie, you just have to own it.” Exactly! That’s what I need to do with my illness and really with my life in general. I have to own my struggles and my triumphs. This is the life I was given and the life I have chosen to live and if I didn’t own it I would be short changing myself, my God and my family. So, this is why I have decided to change both my blog and my facebook page. Facebook requires a 2 week waiting period before the new name will appear on my page and I am going to really buckle down and work on a logo and design for my webpage. I want this phrase to take on a life of its own. For me the focus will be on owning ones mental health but as I mentioned before, there are a lot of things in life we need to take by the reins and own – the good, the bad and the ugly – as they have all shaped us into the person we are right now, right here, on this day, at this exact time.

Once I decided to share my story publicly, I cannot begin to tell you how freeing it was. It’s like I no longer felt like I had to shy away from my illness or just say “I struggle with depression or anxiety.” I had to be real and share accurately that I have Bi-Polar Disorder and not say it with any shame or embarrassment. I can now share my illness in a conversation as easily as telling someone “I had cheerios for breakfast this morning.” It is what it is and let me tell you, I have never felt as good mentally and emotionally as I do right now - not in a manic kind of way. I remember sitting on the couch at my parents house during the extreme fog of depression and telling my mom “I don’t know what I am going to do with my life. I have no passions or hobbies or anything other than being a wife or a mom.” I was in complete despair and wanted more but couldn’t think clearly enough on how to even discover what “more” was. Yes, I want to be the best wife, mom etc that I can be but now I know that leaving my mark here on Earth will also involve helping others feel comfortable about owning their illness. I do not want anyone to go day in and day out feeling like they cannot share who they really are without feeling judged by others. I am excited to see where this phrase and mindset will go. I pray lives will be changed for the better and this will allow my passion of raising awareness of mental health issues to take on a whole new adventure!

Family Support - Part One - Why my Dad is awesome!

Tonight, as I was attempting to fall asleep, my brain wandered, as it often does at this exact time, about how amazingly blessed I am to have the two people God gifted me to call MY parents. Okay, Okay I do share them with a quite amazing little sister too! Seriously, these two people are amazing as parents, as well as two amazing human beings. 

I know both of them are reading this going "sheesh Annie, we sure aren't perfect parents" (humility is a trait they both demonstrate) but they are perfect for me. Let's just say when the time comes that they are no longer on this Earth with me, my world (and many others) will be rocked. Thank goodness I am in a stable place now mentally and emotionally because that day is going to throw me in a tizzy!

Top left: circa 1984, Top right: 2009; Bottom left: 2008; Bottom right: 2012

My Dad was and is a constant financial support to our family. He didn't have much as a child and worked so hard to make a life for himself and his family. It is because of his job, I got the opportunity to live overseas and travel the world. I was born in Amman, Jordan and have lived in the Ivory Coast, Cyprus and England not to mention traveling to Russia, Israel, Egypt and France to only name a few. My passport was stamped more by age 10 then most people in their entire life.  My Dad worked hard at his job and more importantly to provide for his family and that is obvious.

You know those early mornings in high school when the bus would come disgustingly early and you thought to yourself "no way am I getting up that early!" Well, it is then my dad would drive me to school. He would stop for coffee and always buy me a croissant. He would drive me right up to the front door of the school. Yeah, yeah so that awkward teenager in me had a tinge of embarrassment but I was also proud I had such a cool, caring and involved father!

When I decided to transfer colleges from George Mason University (Fairfax, Virginia) to Appalachian State University (Boone, North Carolina), Dad drove me the 6 hours South for the required orientation. For anyone that knows Boone, the weather can be stunningly gorgeous or ridiculously miserable with the down pouring rain and the increasing fog. Yes, the latter is the day we got. I cried telling him "I can't do this. It's so far away from home and the weather is miserable." He responded with "yes, you can" and reminded me that this was the only school I got into and yes, I was going to finish college. As a transfer student, you really get the raw end of the stick when it comes to course options. Dad and I sat side by side in a large lecture hall and I was becoming frustrated about the limited course options available to me. He told me "just pick something" as he knows a college class is a college class and the value it would later provide me is invaluable.

I worked at a residential YMCA girls camp in Northern Georgia for two summers in college. I spent 8 weeks even further South than I already was at Appalachian. I loved my job there. I loved my fellow co-workers and my sweet "Leaders In Training" but I was homesick. I think Dad sensed my sadness and drove all the way from Northern Virginia to Northern Georgia to spend simply 48 hours with me. He slept in a cabin at the boys camp. We kayaked the Tallulah River together and he even got to experience some good Southern breakfast of chicken and biscuits! I was so touched and honored to introduce my Dad to my YMCA family.

Since retiring (for the second time), I have been blessed with spending many days a week with him and my kids get the honor of spending quality time with their "Papa." Dad will come over to my house and watch all three (!!!) kids so I can go for a run. He will fix a broken toilet or weed my front yard without hesitation. His love language is definitely "acts of service." Dad has accompanied me on kids doctors appointments or ER visits, as I'm always out numbered. He has joined us on field trips and loves watching his grandchildren experience new things.

My Dad became an amazing runner later in life. I'm talking Boston Marathon placement in his age group, along with winning many local races of all distances in his age group.  I ran track in high school but really came to love the sport after my Bi-Polar diagnosis in 2013. Running is cathartic for me and whether he will admit it or not, I think it is to him too. He loves the challenge and pushing his body to the limit. We have run numerous races together and he has been there for all 3 of the triathlons I've completed. He shows up at least twice during each race to cheer me on! I actually started looking for him during races because he is so encouraging to me and I know he is proud, even if I'm running slow as heck!

I could go on and on how wonderful my dad is to me on so many aspects of my life from being ridiculously nervous and uncomfortable when I was in labor with our first born (Daddy's don't like seeing their daughters in pain even if that does mean he will be a Grandpa shortly after) to bringing me gasoline from his lawn mower canister when I ran out of gas on an overpass with infant twins in the car (stupid, yes, I know - twin mommy mush brain is my excuse in this instance).

There are many more field trips to be taken, trails to be ran together and late night phone calls from me needing some sort of help (well, I hope not but it is very likely).

I am a Daddy's girl tried and true and will forever be grateful that God blessed me with him as my Daddy!

Fathers Day 2014

PS. My Dad very much dislikes the word awesome as he says it's over used these days therefore, it loses its emphasis. In this instance, AWESOME is the perfect word to describe him! 

Next up, "Momma J" in the hot seat....she's pretty awesome too!!

Spiritual Warfare - "Satan is a jerk"

I experienced an interesting thing last week.  With all the excitement in my mind and heart for this blog and my Facebook page, I have been telling anyone who will listen what my plan is in regards to bringing about more awareness of mental health issues.

Friday evening, I was tired but my mind would not shut off, which is a constant battle for me. I read a feel good book. I watched tv and then I just sat in the quiet. At first, I was just frustrated. "I want to sleep. I need to sleep. The kids will be up sooner than later." And then, I realized what was going on and I prayed. I prayed for the Lord to give me peace. I prayed for the Lord to guide me through this journey and that He would be honored with my decisions and actions. I prayed that Satan would not be able to have ANY control over my emotions and would realize this mission is based on sharing God's love and perfect purpose for each of us. In the end that prayer helped me to finally able to fall asleep and sleep deeply.

I texted with a friend the following day about my experience the night before and she summed it up perfectly by saying "Satan is a jerk!"

I sure don't want this jerk to think he can have any hold on to my emotions and projects, which will only honor the Lords glory and not his. 

As I continue on this path to share my story in hopes to bring about discussion about mental illness, I would kindly as for your prayers. Prayers that everything I do and say is in honor of The Lord and not of my own selfish desires. Also, Prayers for people & organizations I could possibly become partners with to continue the message on a bigger scale. And finally, to pray that I continue to stay close to the Word so I know its truth and not allowing Satan to wiggle in at all.

And finally, prayers for my mental health that continues to be stable and my known coping skills will continue to work for me. Not a great thing for my mental health for me to finish a blog post at 11:30pm when I'm probably going to miss my 8 hour time frame to sleep. Oooops! Every so often is okay but I know I can't make it a habit. This girl here LOVES a long nights and still a good nap in the afternoon (note: both of those never happen but Kevin is gracious and let's me sleep in on the weekends.)

All in all, as I stay closer to The Lord, I feel peaceful knowing this is all part of the plan laid ahead for me and He will guide me every.single.step of the way. When I decide I don't need God, very quickly I realize that indeed I do!

Just remember: Satan is a jerk!!! Give him NO POWER of your life. 

Find Peace Mr. Williams

Today, the world learned of the passing of one our times greatest comedians, Robin Williams, at the age of 63, of an apparent suicide.  I saw his name pop up on my news feed and my thought was more about a new television show or movie he had coming up, not that the media was announcing his apparent suicide.  As someone who struggles with Bi-Polar disorder, it hit me hard. In a selfish way, I thought “that could have been me.” The moments of complete and utter despair are unexplainable and I never want to experience that feeling again. I sure wouldn’t want anyone I know, love or anyone else for that matter to ever experience that pain. 

From media reports, Robin had been struggling recently and checked himself into a rehab facility. To take that action makes me think he really knew something was wrong and knew he needed help – two big factors for someone with mental illness.  We often don’t want to admit when something is indeed wrong, especially when it involves mental health. People often don’t want to ask for help (thankfully after having twins, I have learned the value of asking and taking help) but there comes a point when, struggling with depression in this instance, that we know we can’t do it alone and need the help of family and friends and of course, the experts in this arena: psychiatrists and therapists. I too was there and I waved my white flag of surrender and desperately needed help as I sat in the emergency room and checked myself into a local psychiatric facility.  I got that needed help 2 years ago, at 31 years old, and know that it probably won’t always be smooth sailing for me throughout my life but I, and the family and friends around me, know my triggers (lack of sleep, extreme stress, poor nutrition and lack of exercise) to prevent me from falling that low again.  Robin was 63 years old when he died – young but I’m sure the daily struggle he lived was more unbearable than he could take, should the report of suicide be verified.

Friends, each of our lives are a beautiful web with a perfect necessary place in this world. As this blog progresses, I’ll say it over and over again, should you feel you are in such pain and you can’t go on, please, please seek help. There are resources out there for you such as the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

May Mr. Williams’ death not be in vain. I pray this continues to bring about the discussion and awareness of depression. My sincere prayers and condolences to his family and friends as they go through this very difficult time.

Why Create a Blog?

I have Bi-Polar disorder. Wow, I wrote that. It still is kind of weird to now have a name for the mental illness that rocked my world for the last four years, and as I reflect back, many years even before that. Notice, I didn’t say “I AM Bi-Polar” for that, I am not.  If you have a broken leg you don’t say “I AM a broken leg.” I am so much more than the disease I have been blessed with. And yes, I said “blessed” with. After a 72 hour manic state in 2013, where I literally did not sleep for 3 days, was uber productive at work and hyped up for my two consecutive 5am gym classes, I then dropped into a deep, deep depression. It was then I was given the diagnosis of “Bi-Polar II.”

The issue runs in my family, so by no means was I surprised rather there was a tinge of disappointment that I wasn’t able to escape the issue. However, shortly after thinking the above, I felt a sense of relief as a direction we (yes, this is a family effort) could go towards to find consistent relief. 

I will continue to share my experiences in the past and as I continue this journey. My hope is that my story will give others hope that life with Bi-Polar can be fulfilling and open up doors you never even know existed. Prior to my diagnoses, I had no clue what I was going to do as a career when I go back to work in a few years. I now have a passion for fitness and I’m considering getting my Personal Training license. I hope I can take this idea of reducing the stigma that has become from super media blitz's on horrific stories of people with mental illness. Yes, those situations are extreme and the person themselves were in dire pain and total confusion to have made the decisions that made. There are warning signs for friends, family or co-workers that someone they loved is really struggling and directions you can go to help them. 

So, let me share my experiences with you in hopes we can start a conversation about mental health. We need to determine the warning signs we should be looking out for and then the resources available to those who need help.  A big goal of mine, would be to write a book to share my experiences, ability to speak to mental health groups about my experiences and possibly partner with fitness corporations and non-profit faith based organizations to show the value that the two could have on helping people who have mental health issues. 

I strongly feel led  that this is what I need to be doing and when I need to be doing it. I have no clue on how it will all unfold but I’m looking forward to the ride. So get on board! It does take a village in these sort of social issues.